


Only if you want me

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Loving Em at 2AM [82]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Allison Argent Lives, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Consent Issues, Eichen | Echo House, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e20 Echo House, F/F, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Girls in Love, Good Friend Stiles Stilinski, Introspection, Light Angst, Malia learns about humanity, Mental Health Issues, Minor Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Or why Malia needs to learn about consent, Stiles Stilinski & Malia Tate Friendship, This is all just Malia feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26036047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: “What’s wrong?” Malia frowned. She had been so sure she hadn’t been dreaming up the way his heart had sped up when she had sat closer to him. She had been so certain that he wanted her. “Did I do something wrong?”“Malia…” Stiles murmured, shaking his head at her sadly. Malia had seen him lost and angry and desperate, but she hadn’t known he could be so sad. “Malia, why did you try to do that? Why did you want to kiss me?”Or: Malia just wants her first kiss, but she learns a few things about consent along the way.
Relationships: Allison Argent/Malia Tate, Stiles Stilinski & Malia Tate
Series: Loving Em at 2AM [82]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764400
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Only if you want me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatnerdemryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/gifts).



Malia wasn’t sure why she had tried to kiss Stiles.

Well, she wasn’t sure about a lot of things, but that one was definitely at the top of her list at the moment, given the way Stiles was staring at her. He still looked pretty, just as he had seconds earlier, but Malia didn’t need to be human to know he mostly looked shocked. A little confused, maybe.

“What’s wrong?” Malia frowned. She had been so sure she hadn’t been dreaming up the way his heart had sped up when she had sat closer to him. She had been so certain that he wanted her. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Malia…” Stiles murmured, shaking his head at her sadly. Malia hadn’t even known he could look so sad. She had seen him lost and angry and desperate, but she hadn’t known he could be so _sad_. “Malia, why did you try to do that? Why did you want to kiss me?”

“Because you smelled good?” She answered slowly, knowing her response was wrong as soon as Stiles smiled brokenly. He smelled like pity now, pity and sadness and a hint of regret, and Malia wanted him to go back to the way he had been a minute earlier. “What’s so wrong about that? You smelled like you wanted me, so I kissed you. Is that not… Is that not how this works?”

She wasn’t sure how else she was supposed to know whether or not someone wanted to be her mate. She hadn’t mastered the art of human expressions yet, didn’t understand their subtle gestures, and had been relying on her smell for everything else. No one had told her it was wrong, so she had assumed it was completely normal, especially since werewolves did it too.

Surely, Stiles’ other were-friends acted the same way with each other, right?

“Malia, do you remember where we are right now?” Stiles asked her softly, gesturing at the basement’s dark walls before pointing at the ceiling as though it was supposed to mean something to her. “We’re at _Eichen House_ , Malia. I’m pretty sure the last thing we should be doing is kissing each other.”

“What does the place we’re at have to do with whether or not we should kiss each other?” Malia scrunched up her nose, trying to make sense of Stiles’ nonsensical words. He was either trying to reject her in the strangest way possible or using too many human cues for her to understand what he was saying. Either way, she didn’t appreciate it. “Would you rather we go outside so I can kiss you there?”

Stiles opened his mouth, shut it, then opened it again before shooting her another one of his pitifully sad looks.

“We’re in a home for mentally ill people, Malia,” he said quietly, almost as though he was afraid that his words would break her. It wasn’t like she wasn’t aware of what she was doing in a house for insane people. “There is an evil spirit trying to possess my body, so I don’t think I’m fit for kissing people. More importantly, you’re still more of a coyote than a human. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, or that your recovery is going too slowly, but you shouldn’t go around kissing people when you can’t give them proper consent.”

“Consent?” Malia furrowed her brows, wondering if there was ever a point when humans – and Stiles, specifically – would start making sense to her. “I understand why you might not want to kiss me whilst there’s an evil spirit inside of you, but what does me being a coyote have to do with any of this?”

If the way Stiles sighed heavily at her question was anything to go by, it had a _lot_ to do with all of this. Malia almost grimaced at her own ignorance but stopped before the human expression could make it onto her face. Just because she was in a human body didn’t mean she had to start acting like one, especially if being human meant having to hold back from people who smelled good.

“Malia, you tried to kiss me because you thought _I_ wanted to,” Stiles explained patiently – more patiently than she had ever heard him explain anything. “And yes, maybe a part of me finds you attractive, but that’s completely besides the point. You shouldn’t go around kissing people just because you think they want to be kissed, and no one should be kissing you when you don’t even know the meaning of consent.”

“Well then please, enlighten me!” Malia huffed, tired of listening to the boy stumbled over his words. “What on earth is important enough to skip out on a potential mate for?”

“Consent means you actually _want_ to kiss someone,” Stiles replied before shaking his head and trying again. “That’s not what I mean, exactly, because I don’t doubt that you thought you wanted to kiss me earlier. The thing is… you can’t give consent right now, Malia. Consent means that both people want to kiss each other, and I honestly can’t tell whether you’re interested in me or just following your coyote instincts.”

“Does it fucking _matter_?” Malia threw her hands in the air, standing up and running her fingers through her hair when Stiles tried to reach out for her. “Seriously, who cares whether I’m following my instincts or my human feelings? Because believe me, if I only listened to my human feelings, I wouldn’t be doing much of anything at the moment. I’m not _human_ , Stiles, so how am I supposed to know whether or not I want to kiss someone?”

“That’s the point,” Stiles said insistently. “You’re not. You’re not supposed to know. So until you can access those feelings properly, you shouldn’t be kissing anyone. I know some people would do it anyways, but it wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be good for you, Malia. You’re a great girl, and I’m sure you were a wonderful coyote too, but I can’t kiss you.”

“That’s all you had to say,” Malia grumbled, turning away from Stiles and staring at the floor instead. “No need to give me a goddamned lecture about humans; it’s not like I’m going to be staying as one for very long. The sooner I can go back to being a coyote, the better.”

“I’m not sure-” Malia let out a growl, and Stiles smartly stopped talking before Malia could lose control and show him _exactly_ how much coyote she still had left in her.

She didn’t want to hear any more of his explanations. She didn’t want another reminder of how inhuman she was, didn’t want to listen to what the boy had to say about her coyote-like behaviours. She knew she wasn’t as adjusted as her father wanted her to be, knew she was still too ‘animal’ for human tastes, and knew she wasn’t getting out of this institution any time soon.

She knew she was messed up, alright? She didn’t need a teenage boy with a possession problem rubbing it in her face, especially considering how unstable he clearly was at the moment.

It didn’t matter that she understood what Stiles was trying to say – at least vaguely – because he shouldn’t have _had_ to tell her all those things. Deep down, she knew she was more annoyed at her own lack of knowledge than at Stiles’ rejection, but it was so much easier to focus on the latter than the former.

Thinking about a boy pushing her away because she had misread the signs? Fine by her. There were plenty of human boys in the world, and she was sure she would find one eventually. But thinking about her human mind’s inability to understand basic concepts? That was a nightmare she wasn’t ready to delve into quite yet. Possibly not ever.

Unfortunately for her, Stiles clearly disagreed.

“Look, I know what it’s like to not understand certain human behaviours, alright?” He started, earning himself a particularly dubious look from Malia. As far as she was aware, Stiles Stilinski was the single most human boy in the world. “Hey, just because I’m not a were doesn’t mean I’m the perfect example of a functioning human either. There are plenty of things that make a person different, and my ADHD and anxiety are definitely two of those very things.”

“I know what those are,” Malia cut him off before he could dive into a detailed explanation of what both conditions were. “I’ve been living here for a few months, Stilinski, believe me when I say that I’ve probably heard more about mental illnesses in that time than you have in your life.”

“Fair enough,” Stiles shrugged. “The point is, there are some things people do that have never and probably never _will_ make sense to me. There are some aspects of life that I’ll never be good at, like focusing on one thing at a time or thinking things through rationally or even just sitting still and listening to the people around me. I know I’ll never be good at doing any of those things, but I also understand that to most people, it’s the norm. Sometimes, being human isn’t about doing everything right; it’s about knowing when you’re doing something wrong.”

“So you’re saying that me acting like a coyote is… wrong?” Malia clenched her jaw. She didn’t like the idea of a whole part of her being inherently wrong, no matter how much she agreed that being a were wasn’t exactly normal. “And that your own mental illnesses make _you_ wrong, too?”

“Of course not,” Stiles rolled his eyes, getting up and standing so his and Malia’s shoulders were only just touching. To his credit, he didn’t even try to look at her or force her into making eye contact. “It’s less about being wrong and more about doing things that other people think of as wrong. Is it a flawed way of living? Maybe. But in the case of consent, it’s also one of the only things keeping us free. I know you don’t get it yet, Malia, but you will.”

Part of her wanted to tell Stiles that she wasn’t so sure, wanted to tell him about her worst fears and all the things keeping her locked inside a house for the mentally ill. She wanted to tell him how, even though she was afraid of being human – of not being human enough – she still yearned to belong in this new world. She wanted to, but…

Another – bigger – part of her told her that he wouldn’t understand. He hadn’t lived most of his life as a coyote and, no matter how kind he was, that wasn’t the kind of experience she could properly explain to someone who didn’t even understand basic animal instincts.

So, instead of talking the way everyone seemed to want her to – her father, her therapist, the nurses – she did what she had been doing ever since she had woken up as a human girl rather than a coyote.

“Thank you.”

The words had never sounded more wrong. She wasn’t even sure what she was thanking him for and, if the way Stiles looked at her was anything to go by, he _knew_ that she wasn’t sure. His eyes were full of compassion and a hint of fondness she didn’t quite understand, and he didn’t even try to ask her what she was grateful for.

Maybe that was why she had tried to kiss him. Not because he smelled good, not because he had wanted to kiss her, but because he was kind and seemed like a good person even though he was sarcastic and possibly possessed. Maybe she had tried to kiss him because somewhere, deep down, those pesky human feelings had taken over and _wanted_. Still, she didn’t know for certain, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to kiss someone if she wasn’t sure she wanted it.

Maybe _that_ was what Stiles meant when he talked about consent.

* * *

Malia didn’t think about Stiles’ words again for a very long time.

They haunted her at night, sometimes, when she thought about all the things that made her different from other people, but then she’d remember the other things he had said that day and let _those_ soothe her back to sleep. Overall, though, she let them fade to the back of her mind.

She hadn’t thought about kissing anyone else after her conversation with Stiles, and she thought he probably had something to do with it. Because whether she was actively thinking about what he had told her or not, there was a good chance that her mind was still trying to process his little speech on consent.

She had only looked the word up once after their discussion, on the day of her release from Eichen House. After three more months spent in the institution trying to get better, she had finally started feeling human enough to be let out. Sure, she still didn’t understand the concept of boundaries and she was still clumsy with the way she talked and acted around other people her age, but she was better.

So, she looked the word up and suddenly, she understood why the kiss had been so important to Stiles. Or rather, why _not_ kissing Malia had been so important to him. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting from her little research project, but it hadn’t been the horror stories that she had found. She had barely been able to sleep that night, and she had sworn to herself that she wouldn’t kiss anyone until she was sure she could give consent.

In the meantime, she grew closer to Stiles. By the time she had left Eichen House, she had understood that the chances of something romantic happening between Stiles and her were slim to none, but it turned out that he was a _great_ friend.

Just as he had told her that night, he struggled with his own demons and human-related issues. They bonded over their trauma and, even though Malia knew their relationship wasn’t exactly built on the healthiest pillars, it worked for them. She gave him another broken soul to talk to, and he gave her a way to find her humanity.

It took her well over a year, but she eventually grew to be more human than coyote. She grew to love the nights she spent with the pack of werewolves, banshees, and humans Derek Hale had put together, and she grew to enjoy the presence of other teenagers even when she didn’t always understand them. She grew to fear like a human, to think like a human, to _be_ human.

And after a year and a half of learning how to be herself in her new skin, she grew to love like a human.

It happened slowly at first, so slowly that she wasn’t sure she would have even noticed it if it wasn’t for Stiles. He had absent-mindedly mentioned that girls could also date girls if they so wished, and Malia’s brain had immediately gone into overdrive. It wasn’t like she hadn’t noticed how much prettier girls were than boys; she just hadn’t realised it could mean that she might want to date them.

Her best friend – because that was what Stiles was, after everything they had been through together – in true Stilinski fashion, teased her for not realising that his relationship with Derek was far from platonic. It wasn’t like Malia had known to _look_ for romance between people of the same gender.

Sure, she had danced with Kira and liked it, and she had seen the way Stiles stared at Derek like he meant the world to him, but she just… hadn’t made the connection back then.

However, once that connection was made, it was impossible for her to get the idea out of her mind. Stiles was there for her every step of the way, answering her questions as best as he could and doing research when he didn’t have an appropriate response.

And through it all, Malia fell in love.

Allison had stumbled upon Malia’s forays into the LGBT+ community by accident, but she had been more than willing to help Malia figure out what she identified as and who she might grow to love. So of course, Malia fell for Allison. She fell for the bold huntress who had never been afraid to speak her mind and through herself in front of danger to save the people she cared about.

It had taken her almost two years, but she finally got what Stiles had been trying to tell her that day. She understood why he had pushed her away and, more importantly, she understood what he had meant when he’d said that she should only kiss someone if she _wanted_ to.

Back then, she’d thought that wanting was just a question of base instincts and a good sense of smell. She had still been relying on her inner coyote and hadn’t understood a rejection from someone who had smelled so good. Now, though, now she knew how to rely on her human feelings.

And her human feelings, for all their flaws, knew what they wanted. They wanted Allison’s lips on her own, wanted whispered ‘I love you’s and cuddles in bed and everything love was supposed to bring. _God_ , she wanted Allison.

“Are you even listening to me?”

Malia barely dodged the pen that Allison sent flying towards her head. She had lost track of what the other young woman had been saying as soon as Allison had started biting at her bottom lip, and she wasn’t even ashamed of it. Or at least, not _too_ ashamed of it.

“You know, at this rate, I’m going to know your college courses better than you do,” Allison sighed when Malia failed to answer her question. “I thought you liked all this psychological stuff?”

“I do,” Malia rolled her eyes. She _really_ did, actually. When she and Stiles had discussed their possible future careers during senior year, her best friend had mentioned psychology, and Malia had been hooked on the subject ever since. She just wasn’t hooked on studying when Allison was right there, wearing nothing but an overly large shirt and a teasing smile. “And I didn’t ask you to help me. If it really bothers you so much, you can always leave. Or we could do something else.”

“You have an exam in a week, Malia,” Allison pointed out, as though Malia wasn’t fully aware of her exam schedule. She _knew_ she was running behind on her revisions, but she was also quite confident that she would still pass her midterms. “If you fail because of me…”

“If I fail, I’ll have no one to blame but myself,” Malia huffed. “Besides, I don’t see you studying for your little history exam I know is coming up, so you’re hardly one to speak.”

“You’re a terrible influence, Malia Tate,” Allison groaned, leaning back on Malia’s twin bed and hissing when she hit her foot against the headboard. “And you’re a terrible _roommate_ too. When on earth are you going to get a double bed? You know we could fit it in if we tried hard enough, right? And then we wouldn’t have to deal with your insufficient studying space.”

Malia, not for the first time that year, wondered why she had agreed to room with Allison. It was like her own personal brand of torture, to see the other woman sprawled out on her bed but never touching Malia the way she wanted to be touched.

The worst part was Malia was pretty sure Allison actually liked her back. She just hadn’t done anything about it yet, and Malia hadn’t done anything about it, which meant they were at a bit of a stalemate. They flirted almost constantly, and Stiles had told Malia on multiple occasions that the only thing separating them from other couples was a label, but nothing had happened.

It was driving Malia crazy, especially since she was almost certain Allison was waiting for _her_ to make the first move.

Malia wasn’t sure when Stiles had had a conversation with the rest of the pack, but she knew it had happened. She didn’t even know what he had said, and no part of her wanted to know. The knowledge that Stiles had cared enough about her to make sure their friends remembered she hadn’t always been human had been enough. She didn’t need the details of _that_ conversation.

Except maybe she did, because she wasn’t sure whether Stiles had mentioned consent in his little speech to their friends. If he had, there was a good chance Allison was just afraid Malia would say yes to anything because of her past. And if he hadn’t… Well, Malia didn’t want to think about what that would mean.

“You spaced out again, didn’t you?” Allison sighed, rolling over so she was facing Malia. “What’s got you so distracted today? This whole week, in fact. You’ve never been the most focused person I know, but you’ve been particularly hard to keep on topic these past few days. Is there something on your mind? Have I done something to make me deserve this unjust treatment and complete lack of attention?”

“Do you still treat me differently because of my past?” Malia blurted out before she could think her words through.

Alright, so maybe she still had a _few_ things to work on, like a filter. In her defence, her human reference didn’t have a filter either, and everyone was used to her and Stiles’ blatant honesty. She just hadn’t meant for that particular question to come out to suddenly and unannounced.

“Because you mostly grew up as a coyote, you mean?” Allison frowned, shrugging when Malia nodded her assent. “Not really no, or at least not consciously. I guess there’s probably a part of me that’s still afraid of what Stiles would do to me if I ever hurt you, but I’m not purposefully trying to treat you like you’re made of glass or something. Why? Do I give you the impression that I’m treating you differently?”

 _Yes_ , Malia thought, biting back the word before it could slip past her lips. She was hopeful that the reason why Allison treated her differently was because she liked Malia and not some misplaced fear of Stiles, and that was _not_ what they were talking about at the moment.

Except maybe it was.

“Because yeah, I treat you differently, but it has nothing to do with you being a werecoyote or anything like that,” Allison continued, not even waiting for Malia to answer her questions. “I just… you know. I mean, maybe you don’t, since we haven’t really talked about it, but I- Well- I like you? Oh god, wait, are you okay with this? I feel like Stiles mentioned something about romantic feelings a while back, and I wouldn’t want to-”

“That was almost two years ago,” Malia interrupted the other woman. “And I _did_ have trouble with romantic feelings. I just don’t feel that way anymore. It’s really quite extraordinary what a bit of time and an extremely supportive friend can do to a person. What I’m trying to say is- I like you too? This is a lot more awkward than I thought it would be. Is it supposed to be like this? I thought there’d be more kissing involved.”

Allison looked like she was trying very hard not to laugh, and Malia pouted indignantly. She knew she wasn’t great at the whole romance thing – she had never even kissed anyone, for heaven’s sake – but she couldn’t be _that_ bad, right?

“There could be more kissing involved if that’s what you want,” Allison finally said, grinning widely at Malia’s enthusiastic nod. “But only if it’s what you want.”

“Yes, yes, of course it’s what I want,” Malia breathed out, leaning in closer to Allison and stopping right before their lips touched. “You want this too, right? You’re not only doing this because you think it would make me happy or something?”

“I want this, Malia, so _please_ kiss me,” Allison whispered, cupping Malia’s face gently and gazing at her with a soft smile.

Malia didn’t need any more encouragement. Slowly and uncertainly, she closed the remaining distance between Allison and her, pressing their lips together in a tender kiss. It wasn’t anything big, just their mouths touching and moving slowly against each other, but it meant more to Malia than she could possibly express.

She kissed Allison for minutes on end, cradling the other woman closer to her and melting into her warmth, wondering if there was a way she could keep on doing this forever. When they pulled away from each other, she thought she might have let out a _whine_. God, she hoped Allison never mentioned it to anyone.

“I’ve wanted to do that for _months_ ,” Allison murmured against Malia’s lips. “You have no idea how tempting you are, Malia.”

Malia’s heart soared and, as Allison pressed a thousand kisses to every inch of the werecoyote’s face, Malia couldn’t help but think about what Stiles had told her all those years ago, back when consent had been an incomprehensible concept to her.

 _Why did you want to kiss her_?

At the time, she hadn’t known what to say. Now, though, she had a million different answers.

_Because she’s beautiful, because she’s kind, because she cares. Because she’s always been here for me, because she’s Allison and has never pretended to be anyone else. Because I love her._

Because she loved her.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! I'm honestly not sure where this sudden rush of Malia feels came from, but Em once pointed out how dubiously consensual Stiles and Malia's first kiss was, so this happened. It turns out that I have way more thoughts on this than I thought I did, hence this entire fic. I also just really wanted to write some Malia/Allison, so... I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Love, Junie. 
> 
> (find me on [tumblr](https://hopesilverheart.tumblr.com/))


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